Is Love Transactional?

I have been reflecting on the concept of love being transactional lately for two reasons: Easter and my recent article in January on reciprocity, which provoked someone stating, "That sounds like you're making love transactional." 

The model is The Cross of Yeshua, which was and remains transactional for all of time.  A Holy Sacrifice of His life for my life.  The ultimate expression of love. 

Now, take a giant leap from the ultimate God-expressed love to mortal human love. 

I know; it's a painful leap, but it must be explored to have any hope of being lived out in a healthy way.

Have you ever noticed that those who demand more are often the ones who give the least?  I'm not minimizing their feeble attempts to show up. I'm simply no longer willing to maximize them either.

I have come to the irrevocable conclusion -- or better put, the affirmation of God's Word - that HOW we show up in human relationships is *solely* a heart issue.

Carnal people fall into two primary categories: givers and takers. 

I was a natural carnal giver.  I was determined to impact people by giving.... and giving... and giving .....even when I was tapped out to fumes.  I bought into the lie that I could love people into loving me as I desired to be loved through giving.... giving time, resources, giftings, knowledge, care - whatever --- if I had it, I often and without hesitation offered it.

Givers and takers attract one another in the carnal world.  The world calls this codependency.  It is unhealthy and destructive.  It ingrains burnout in the givers and entitlement in the takers.

I had to take a hard look at my own heart with Jesus.  

I saw the error in my ways.  

God is the one who created boundaries and limitations.  We see it first in the Creation narrative.  He set boundaries on the oceans, boundaries on the atmosphere, boundaries on the sea creatures, boundaries on the land animals.  Boundaries all about and all around.  

For decades, I taught my kids, "Boundaries are protection, not punishment," while I foolishly did not apply that to my own relationships. I readily accepted God's boundaries and personal corrections in the vertical scope between Him and me, but I failed to apply them to my human horizontal relationships.

The overreaching lie of give more, try harder had to be acknowledged before God as being deeply rooted before I could be liberated from its grip.

I have spent the most recent years recalibrating the rules of engagement.  

I no longer accept the taking without giving.   

It was a deep pruning, but a necessary one to give space for healthy relationships. I want to do life with givers, but true givers  - not carnal ones. 

True givers are those who have had their eyes opened to God's ways, abiding by boundaries He has established: regarding others as we desire to be regarded (Him included! Hello?!)....loving others as we have learned to love ourselves, which means with self-respect and an understanding of our value as a daughter or son of the Most High.  

The reality is people treat me the way I teach them to treat me.

If the bar is low, carnal people will give little and take a lot.

If the bar is high, carnal people likely won't even try.

But redeemed brothers and sisters, who have a heart to please the Father, will give in-kind; meaning, they will seek to reciprocate the building up of one another in the most holy of ways.

Is love transactional?  Absolutely. 

In simple terms, if you try to withdraw more than you deposit into a bank, you are cut off. 

If you are like I was -  a carnal giver who gave "credit" out to people, some of those loans might be to subprime borrowers (aka: highly unlikely to repay). The net effect in these situations is dual emotional bankruptcy.  

The Bible is very clear about credit.  You take it or give it, risking your own peril. 

I have come to see the wisdom of being cautious concerning emotional credit which always, unavoidably involves degrees of love. 

Your emotional credit should be guarded and used very sparingly. 

In the financial world, most people see the wisdom of having a high deposit balance with no debt, yet so easily abandon this principle when it comes to love and matters of the heart.  

Don't be among them.

Walk in wisdom.

Be quick to apply boundaries so as to avoid emotional debt.

Peace. 🤍

In a Clamoring World

 In a clamoring world, I praise God that He is my fortress.  

My life and all that it is is because of Him. I know this full well and rejoice in its truth!

As the Psalmist wrote in Psalm 46:

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble. 

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall,

God will help her at the break of day.

Nations are in an uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease 

to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

He burns the shield with fire.

He says, "Be still, and know that I AM God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob IS our fortress.

I pray you know Him as YOUR fortress.

Peace to you. 🤍

 

The Gift of Solitude

It's a rainy foggy Sunday morning, and instead of hustling to get out the door to church, I feel a beckoning to stay put.  

I meander into the kitchen.  Turning on the Keurig, I await the precious minute until my coffee, complete with froth, is ready.  I walk back to my bedroom, where my two sweet pups, Nina and Anya, sitting atop my bed, await my return.  They know that, upon my return, they each will get two fingertips of froth.  After plumping my pillows and sitting up in bed with covers comfortably drawn back up around me, I take my first sip, and exhale deeply.  

Silence.

Many people run from silence, but for me, it is a pathway to desired solitude; a haven of Divine making.

For decades, I lived in the hustle and bustle of raising children. My only solitude was found in the early morning predawn hours. I would roll out of  bed while it was still dark, scurry downstairs before anyone else woke up and have my quiet time with God. It was my daily anchor then just as it remains so today, but today, I can linger in that haven as long as I want to with Him.

These days I find my life exceptionally rich in silence, and as a result, my thought life has grown exceptionally calm. It's been a two year process of recalibrating, and at first, I literally felt an internal resistance to the process. I knew how to be a multi-tasking "Martha", and while I enjoyed my intentional moments of "Mary", if I lingered too long, I felt a tinge of guilt. 

Why was this?   

Recently I read a study about fascia.  (I am a lifelong student. I simply love reading and learning.)  In short, what they are learning is that fascia is fluid, and it responds to sound waves it picks up in the atmosphere of our environment.  The body "reads the room", using fascia, and in turn instructs the brain to release appropriate hormones, that then instruct cellular response - be it cellular healing, demand, or degradation.  

If the environment is chronically tense, protective stress hormones (aka survival hormones such as cortisol) are released by the brain.  If the environment is full of fun and laughter, hormones such as dopamine or serotonin, for example are released. As we age, if we have lived in an environment of chronic stress and tension, the fascia stiffens, creating a cascade of health issues.

I marveled when I read the study.  The body is an absolute masterpiece of God's making. 

Isaiah 32:18 states, "My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places."

Silence and solitude allow the body to heal and stay strong and healthy by turning down the room signals, or better stated, the room noise. The brain reads the peace and releases the signal that all is well, and can then go about healing at a cellular level.  

We hear much about stress management, yet how many, when given the opportunity to sit in silence, turn music on or turn the TV on or call someone on the phone?  

I recently had a conversation with someone about their adult child, who they observed always had earbuds in, listening to something.  They actually said their adult child was distressed by silence.  I simply said, "It's because they have trained their brain that way, so they must work to retrain it."  

If they don't, they will have numerous physical challenges as they become older.  The body requires silence to heal and that silence isn't only to be during times of sleep. 

I hope you all don't fall into the category of running from silence.  Consider sitting in silence intentionally.  At first, you may very well find your thoughts racing, but in time, they will calm.

Internal peace with God is indeed priceless, but when external and internal peace align, its value cannot be overstated. God instructs His people to seek out peaceful habitations for a reason!

Make friends with silence, and you too will discover it is a pathway to solitude; a Divine haven unlike any other. 🤍

The Boundary of Reciprocity

For decades, I lived my life with what I now would say was a naive assumption: that most people live by the Golden Rule of "do unto others as you would have done unto you." 

They don't.

A large percentage of the human population lives first for self without much, if any, thought for their common man.

I look around -- all around -- at the brokenness of civilizations.  Simply put civilizations are no longer civil.  It's an "every man for himself" mentality that we bump up against every day, and we have the rash marks to prove it.

For me, I have drawn a line in the sand in recent years, and revisit the boundary periodically to make sure it is still visible to myself and others. 

After years of giving, when it defied logic to keep doing so, I developed a boundary of reciprocity in my life. This means that if a relationship does not actively seek to give back, I will stop sowing in that field.

It's common sense and natural law, if you think about it. 

A wise farmer will not continue to plant seeds in a field that does not yield a healthy harvest. 

We should all take a lesson from this.  

And as an important caveat here, ONLY God can heal the field; both ours as well as theirs. Each person is responsible for their own condition - whether they surrender to God and let Him do the "soil work" - or keep possessing the field in its sin degraded state.

The Bible speaks of sowing and reaping.  It is important that we walk with wisdom and let consequences/reaping of poor sowing be what it is.  Too many, while good intentioned, use their own strengths to absorb the poor behaviors of others, buffering the true results of poor soil. 

Did Jesus do this? Was such acceptance and absorption the model He presented?  No, it was not.

I have learned that loving does not mean self-sacrifice. Love - true, pure Love - builds up ONE ANOTHER. It seeks to encourage the best, even as the other reciprocates seeking to encourage the best.  It does NOT seek to take and take without end.  

So, today - I charge YOU with drawing your own boundary of reciprocity in your relationships. You will be the healthier for it..... and ultimately, so will your neighbors. 

And if you are someone who primarily lives for self, to take from others without giving back, check yourself - aspire to shift by wholly surrendering to God.... not in-part.... but the whole of you. 

To be of God means you are a giver; not a chronic taker. That's the plumbline. You either are or you are not.  Choose wisely, because God will not be mocked.....He too has boundaries. 

Home Is Not Where The Familiar Is

I walked outside for the first time this new year, and immediately I was hit with this thought, "Home is where the familiar is."  

It's a lie, but it doesn't sound like one to many who hear it.

We all want what the word home invokes; comfort, the familiar, an exhale of the soul, but where are we looking?

Audibly I spoke out loud, "That thought is a lie.  Home is where You are, and where You are is rarely familiar or known, but rather discovered progressively." 

To walk with God, one becomes very accustomed to discovering life in "real time." 

For the Christian, we have a personalized Guide who has promised to never leave us, but many elect to walk away from Him for the familiarity of past knowns, even if those are unhealthy.

We love our comforts; don't we?  The familiar foods, the familiar TV shows, the familiar bed, the familiar routines..... the familiar.

What we don't seem to take seriously is that we are our own enemy.  You can't change your life apart from Him because your brain will absolutely keep you looped --- chained -- to the familiar.   

He meets us at our point of desperation to set the captive free.  

The question then becomes how desperate are you for LIFE and liberty over the (chains of the) familiar?

When we adhere to the familiar over the call of God, we, by default, forfeit what He has for us.  

He couldn't give the Israelites their promised land, until they answered the call to leave the familiar.

They could have stayed in Egypt.  

And you, too, can stay right where you are in 2026. 

Permit me to ask: as you begin your brand new year, what is God calling you to?  I can guarantee you it will not be the familiar.  If answered, it will stretch you beyond where you thought your limits were.  But I also guarantee you that if you answer His call, you will not end your 2026 the same as you are beginning it.

Simply put, home is NOT a feeling; it is a real time relationship with the One who created you....a surrendered, obedient, unfamiliar, stretching, yet profoundly adventurous and life-changing relationship with Home personified.  

As a Christian, we have been trained to think of Home as Heaven - a destination.  But if we dare to change the mental script to Him as Home - it best fits our enteral path we ARE actively traversing with Him in the now, IF we elect to do so.

What are you waiting for?  Discover Home this year.  🤍

God's Drawing

With coffee mug in hand, I sat down upon the same spot I have sat down upon for over nine hundred mornings thus far since relocating. 

I crave this spot first thing in the morning, but this morning was different. The craving was intensely flipped. God was waiting for me.

The gift of being pursued.

In the Christian faith, much emphasis is placed upon the believer to pursue God.  To set apart time to study His Word.  To seek His counsel.  And while those are crucial disciples of the faith, the reality is HE first pursued us. THAT was the beginning. 

Paul even wrote a warning in Galatians to us:  Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?

Pure love is not earned, and it certainly is not kept by our doing.  As a matter of fact, the reality that Pure Love is gifted unmerited is what sets it drastically apart. 

We love because He first loved us. I John 4:19

When you abide in His pursuit as the object of His affection, ones entire world not only looks different; it IS different.

Recently I was conversing with someone about knowing  - leaning into - the character of God. If we focus on that filter, ALL doubts dissipate.  

It no longer is about our worthiness drawing His affection, His care, or His presence.

As God said to Moses: I am who I am.

He shows up.  

He heals us.  

He leads us out of wildernesses. 

He leads us to green pastures and quiet waters.

Why?

Because He loves us.

No strings attached.

No hoops to jump through.

It's not about performance.

It's about heart posture.

First, His towards us.

Then, ours towards Him.

Once love abounds, the concept of Jesus being Lord of my life is both natural and right.

The created finds safety in His Lordship, not restriction.

His ways are protection, not punishment.

John 10:9 reads: I am the gate; whoever enters through Me will be saved. They will come in and out, and find pasture. 

No fear. 

No doubt.

No worry. 

Only assurance.

Only safety.

Only provision.

I trust you know His pursuit, but if you don't, consider His invitation:

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door; I WILL come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. 

Revelation 3:20

This Christmas season I pray you answer the knock at your own heart's door.  

He came to this earth to seek and save those who are lost, wandering around hopeless - wondering, "What is the point to any of this?"

He's waiting for you.... will you answer His knock?  

I pray you do.....

Merry Christmas, all!  🤍

Tension

As I sat with the Lord recently, I became keenly aware that my upper body was holding tension for no reason other than habit. 

It was subtle, and if I was not sitting in stillness, I likely would not have been aware of it in the slightest. I breathed deeply while instructing my body to release and let go. Immediately, the tension left. 

I have been in a season of intentionally rewiring my mind. A few years ago, my physical circumstances shifted out of chronic, daily chaos into peace; thus God's fulfillment of a word He gave to me years ago: "Then My people will dwell in a peaceful place, in safe and secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." (Isa 32:18)  

It's been a lengthy process of regaining my physical strength, and an even lengthier process retraining my mind. Though longer than I would have imagined, the journey has been an exceedingly rewarding one. 

The present -- today -- holds the tension of space between the past and the future.  

Depending on life's circumstances, that space can be fluid and relaxed, tight and tense, and everything in between.  Much like I directed my body to release and let go, we do hold the power to do likewise over today, no matter our yesteryears. 

Will we let the tight and tense rob us of today's joy and ease?  

Or will we let the fluid and relaxed rob us of today's stewardship?  

You see, the tension of today isn't a negative unto itself.  It is simply a space holder, much like a tightrope between two points.  It's a matter of perspective, followed up by proper action.

How often do we listen to our thoughts that talk us into a sense of neutrality; where neither joy is experienced nor stewardship is achieved?   

Some are convinced that life's circumstances are less than ideal, unfair even, so they self-soothe with victimology.

Others play their days away because they have been convinced in their minds stewardship is too exhausting, so why bother.  

But neither is truth.  These are mental scripts we haven't properly weighed, sorted, and discarded as the lies they are.

The truth is we have a mighty God who has our days held in His hands; who is shaping, creating, redeeming, and enabling our life to greater and greater victories in Him and through Him IF we walk with Him, obeying His instructions.

I was reminded of Naomi from the Book of Ruth - who grieved loss - and yet, in time, God replaced her grief with great joy. She's one of many examples of God's ability to shape our faith and our victories through trying circumstances if we don't relent. 

Be mindful of today's tension, and its quality. 

Remember, we do not always possess the ability to control circumstances, but we always have the ability to control how we respond.  

Will we reign over life's circumstances through our faith in our sovereign God -- or will be allow them to reign over us, spinning our thoughts, moods, and emotions off our intended path and into the weeds?  

I encourage you to consciously celebrate today - not because of feelings nor circumstances - but because God reigns.  He sees you, He cares, and He longs to hold today's tension, redeem yesterday, and create a joy-filled tomorrow!  The question is will you walk with Him and see greater and greater victories come.... or will you succumb to a false narrative?  

Word of warning: Neutrality doesn't actually exist.  It's an illusion.  You are either progressing or regressing.

Remember, as a man THINKS, so is he.  (Prov 23:7) 

Peace 🤍