Turtling No More

Through the years, I have had this saying, "I'm turtling." 

Those two words were understood by my closest affiliations to mean, "I need to detach from my circumstances and curl up with God for a time."  

For whatever the reason, the "noise of life" had been turned up to the point where I felt retreat into my inner sanctum was my only choice.  My instincts ratcheted up to that of survival and that meant retreat....for a time.  

Well, simply put, 'for a time' turned into years.  

As has been my practice for decades, I reserve the time between Christmas and New Year's to consecrate myself to God afresh and lean into what He shares about the closing year and the new year beginning.  In raising three children, that dedicated week was both a nonnegotiable and a gift. 

Now that they are grown and married, I have expanded that week to the month of December.  

This morning, as I sat with the Lord, I heard Him speak to my spirit, "Turtle no more." 

He went on to share.  

You see, the past three decades of life had become more like a three ringed circus.  While there had been a few blessed experiences dotted into the timeline, the timeline was consumed with nonsense. The volume from the nonsense had so increased, I found myself living the majority of my life from inside my turtle shell. I was turtling more and more as the volume of crazy-making was turned up to a deafening range.  

Now, while my turtle shell is comfortable and protective... and quiet, it is confining and limited, much like a womb - now that I think about it. 

Some five and a half years ago, He saw the effects the circus was having on me. 

I had had enough of the circus and had retreated into my shell; no longer truly living as He intended, no longer willing to risk my hearing from Him on the hopium of a rare pleasant experience. 

In the vision He showed me, He tipped my shell, sending it rolling away from the circus and down an incline, landing in a swift current of water.  It was tossed about, bobbing under the water and then back up, hitting rocks, and going over waterfalls. I was dizzy inside at the sudden external changes I felt all around me, but the shell held firm and secure. 

For two years, I rode the rapids from inside my shell. Then He showed me that the shell had arrived at an estuary.  The inside of my shell became calm and my dizziness abated, but because of the lengthy duration of the ride down the rapids, my shell stayed habitually, comfortably closed.

"Deborah, I have so much to show you; so much to experience with you. You must open your shell and venture out now."

Opening, I find my surroundings are vastly different now.  The ocean's expanse is before me, as the estuary's calm surroundings saurate my ears with quiet peace. I do not recall such a surrounding in the entirety of my life as I have now.  

I hope you'll join me here from time to time as I begin to share my love of learning and writing ...writing and learning... once again; basking in the peace He has led me to - exploring the beauty of my new environment...

...turtling no more!  

Praise Him!