Is Love Transactional?

I have been reflecting on the concept of love being transactional lately for two reasons: Easter and my recent article in January on reciprocity, which provoked someone stating, "That sounds like you're making love transactional." 

The model is The Cross of Yeshua, which was and remains transactional for all of time.  A Holy Sacrifice of His life for my life.  The ultimate expression of love. 

Now, take a giant leap from the ultimate God-expressed love to mortal human love. 

I know; it's a painful leap, but it must be explored to have any hope of being lived out in a healthy way.

Have you ever noticed that those who demand more are often the ones who give the least?  I'm not minimizing their feeble attempts to show up. I'm simply no longer willing to maximize them either.

I have come to the irrevocable conclusion -- or better put, the affirmation of God's Word - that HOW we show up in human relationships is *solely* a heart issue.

Carnal people fall into two primary categories: givers and takers. 

I was a natural carnal giver.  I was determined to impact people by giving.... and giving... and giving .....even when I was tapped out to fumes.  I bought into the lie that I could love people into loving me as I desired to be loved through giving.... giving time, resources, giftings, knowledge, care - whatever --- if I had it, I often and without hesitation offered it.

Givers and takers attract one another in the carnal world.  The world calls this codependency.  It is unhealthy and destructive.  It ingrains burnout in the givers and entitlement in the takers.

I had to take a hard look at my own heart with Jesus.  

I saw the error in my ways.  

God is the one who created boundaries and limitations.  We see it first in the Creation narrative.  He set boundaries on the oceans, boundaries on the atmosphere, boundaries on the sea creatures, boundaries on the land animals.  Boundaries all about and all around.  

For decades, I taught my kids, "Boundaries are protection, not punishment," while I foolishly did not apply that to my own relationships. I readily accepted God's boundaries and personal corrections in the vertical scope between Him and me, but I failed to apply them to my human horizontal relationships.

The overreaching lie of give more, try harder had to be acknowledged before God as being deeply rooted before I could be liberated from its grip.

I have spent the most recent years recalibrating the rules of engagement.  

I no longer accept the taking without giving.   

It was a deep pruning, but a necessary one to give space for healthy relationships. I want to do life with givers, but true givers  - not carnal ones. 

True givers are those who have had their eyes opened to God's ways, abiding by boundaries He has established: regarding others as we desire to be regarded (Him included! Hello?!)....loving others as we have learned to love ourselves, which means with self-respect and an understanding of our value as a daughter or son of the Most High.  

The reality is people treat me the way I teach them to treat me.

If the bar is low, carnal people will give little and take a lot.

If the bar is high, carnal people likely won't even try.

But redeemed brothers and sisters, who have a heart to please the Father, will give in-kind; meaning, they will seek to reciprocate the building up of one another in the most holy of ways.

Is love transactional?  Absolutely. 

In simple terms, if you try to withdraw more than you deposit into a bank, you are cut off. 

If you are like I was -  a carnal giver who gave "credit" out to people, some of those loans might be to subprime borrowers (aka: highly unlikely to repay). The net effect in these situations is dual emotional bankruptcy.  

The Bible is very clear about credit.  You take it or give it, risking your own peril. 

I have come to see the wisdom of being cautious concerning emotional credit which always, unavoidably involves degrees of love. 

Your emotional credit should be guarded and used very sparingly. 

In the financial world, most people see the wisdom of having a high deposit balance with no debt, yet so easily abandon this principle when it comes to love and matters of the heart.  

Don't be among them.

Walk in wisdom.

Be quick to apply boundaries so as to avoid emotional debt.

Peace. 🤍